Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Randomize
