i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
