Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
