I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
