she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
