god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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