K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
