There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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