How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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