Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize