So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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