My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
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