I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
