It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
