My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
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