What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
