Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Randomize
