im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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