soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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