Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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