You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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