Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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