bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
