so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I supernannyed him into submission
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
