i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
