3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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