Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
