im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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