some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
Randomize
