i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
