I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Let's get the cat blown out
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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