Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
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