Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
