If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Watching her eat just hurts me
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize