if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Randomize
