The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
