eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
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