I didn't shave. On purpose
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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