I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
