She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
