I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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