I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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