So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Randomize
