I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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