I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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