I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
last night I used snow as a chaser
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
