My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
