They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
