hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
