i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
