Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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