the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
