i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
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