I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
