is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
