I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Randomize
