An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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