I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
