I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Randomize
