I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
