I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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