I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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