So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
