Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
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