this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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