Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize