woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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