if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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