New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
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