Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
