i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
